Being Angry and Learning Humility

This cancer thing is making me angry. I thought I'd get the surgery, get the radiation and then I'm done. No, yesterday, the oncologist tells me that we're going to be married to each other for quite a long time and I want this thing to be over and done with.

Yesterday was my hardest day. I don't know, but for some reason coming back from the first visit of my radiologist, and then yesterday, from my oncologist - I don't know - I just get emotionally exhausted and then angry.

I'm angry because these doctors keep telling me how healthy I am, and I know that. I've worked hard and take pride in the fact that I keep myself healthy. I take no prescription medications and the doctors tell me that, for my age, is not the norm. But, I get angry listening to them telling me all the chemicals and toxins they are going to put into my body. I tell myself, it's temporary and when they are done, I'll do yet another detox.

Yesterday, Dr. Prillaman, my oncologist (whom I love) told me my liver was good. I sat there thinking, "Yeah. I try very hard to take care of my liver. I'm gonna need that puppy to fight for me when I'm very old." Then, she talks to me about the possibility of this medication and that medication and it becomes overwhelming and disheartening.


So, I came home emotionally exhausted and overwhelmed again from yet another doctor visit. My dear husband took me out to dinner, which was a huge help. But, as we were leaving to go, there was a box on the doorstep the postman had left. I opened it and found a little bag of chocolates that was sent to me. It just made my day. That simple bag of chocolates, that little thing was such a huge help to me. It made me realize I'm not alone in this. Not only do I have God right here with me, but I have lots of family who love me and friends who are there to help.

I remembered an email from our Care Pastor at church offering resources if I needed them. At the time, I didn't think I would need help because I usually get though things mostly on my own and with God's help. But, this morning, I emailed him and asked him for the contact information for a cancer support group and maybe help with meals while I'm getting the radiation. I emailed him because I realize I DO need the help of other people and they are there waiting and wanting to help out. When my husband took me to dinner, I realized what a help it was not having to think about what to fix or cook. I didn't have the physical energy and remembered that the Care Pastor offered meals being brought to the house, if I needed.

I've realized that sometimes you can't be strong and do it all yourself. Having been through lots of hard times in life, I've learned independence and how to lean on God, which got me through tough times. But, now, God is wanting me to be a bit more humble and learn how to reach out to others and, instead of giving help, to take it in humility. I know, in doing so, it will bless others in allowing them the opportunity to give.

In listening to God, I will spend my morning praising Him. I know this will cure my funky attitude. I woke up this morning and sang The Doxology to Him before even getting out of bed. Usually, music makes me feel better and the past few days I haven't wanted to listen to any. But, I decided I will listen to some of my favorite praise and worship music even though I don't want to. I'll give praise and thanks to God because that is what He commands and I know, from past experience, this is what will heal my disheartened soul. Praising God chases away the enemy and will allow God to bless my spirit.

Some great Bible verses I am reading this morning for my encouragement (and maybe for yours right now):

Why am I so sad? Why am I so troubled? I will put my hope in God,and once again I will praise him,my savior and my God. – Psalm 43:5

Come to me, all of you who are tired from carrying heavy loads, and I will give you rest. – Matthew 11:28

I prayed to the Lord, and he answered me;he freed me from all my fears. The oppressed look to him and are glad; they will never be disappointed. – Psalm 34:4-5

But those who trust in the Lord for help will find their strength renewed. They will rise on wings like eagles;they will run and not get weary; they will walk and not grow weak. – Isaiah 40:31

Let your hope keep you joyful, be patient in your troubles, and pray at all times. – Romans 12:12