Being Angry and Learning Humility

This cancer thing is making me angry. I thought I'd get the surgery, get the radiation and then I'm done. No, yesterday, the oncologist tells me that we're going to be married to each other for quite a long time and I want this thing to be over and done with.

Yesterday was my hardest day. I don't know, but for some reason coming back from the first visit of my radiologist, and then yesterday, from my oncologist - I don't know - I just get emotionally exhausted and then angry.

I'm angry because these doctors keep telling me how healthy I am, and I know that. I've worked hard and take pride in the fact that I keep myself healthy. I take no prescription medications and the doctors tell me that, for my age, is not the norm. But, I get angry listening to them telling me all the chemicals and toxins they are going to put into my body. I tell myself, it's temporary and when they are done, I'll do yet another detox.

Yesterday, Dr. Prillaman, my oncologist (whom I love) told me my liver was good. I sat there thinking, "Yeah. I try very hard to take care of my liver. I'm gonna need that puppy to fight for me when I'm very old." Then, she talks to me about the possibility of this medication and that medication and it becomes overwhelming and disheartening.


So, I came home emotionally exhausted and overwhelmed again from yet another doctor visit. My dear husband took me out to dinner, which was a huge help. But, as we were leaving to go, there was a box on the doorstep the postman had left. I opened it and found a little bag of chocolates that was sent to me. It just made my day. That simple bag of chocolates, that little thing was such a huge help to me. It made me realize I'm not alone in this. Not only do I have God right here with me, but I have lots of family who love me and friends who are there to help.

I remembered an email from our Care Pastor at church offering resources if I needed them. At the time, I didn't think I would need help because I usually get though things mostly on my own and with God's help. But, this morning, I emailed him and asked him for the contact information for a cancer support group and maybe help with meals while I'm getting the radiation. I emailed him because I realize I DO need the help of other people and they are there waiting and wanting to help out. When my husband took me to dinner, I realized what a help it was not having to think about what to fix or cook. I didn't have the physical energy and remembered that the Care Pastor offered meals being brought to the house, if I needed.

I've realized that sometimes you can't be strong and do it all yourself. Having been through lots of hard times in life, I've learned independence and how to lean on God, which got me through tough times. But, now, God is wanting me to be a bit more humble and learn how to reach out to others and, instead of giving help, to take it in humility. I know, in doing so, it will bless others in allowing them the opportunity to give.

In listening to God, I will spend my morning praising Him. I know this will cure my funky attitude. I woke up this morning and sang The Doxology to Him before even getting out of bed. Usually, music makes me feel better and the past few days I haven't wanted to listen to any. But, I decided I will listen to some of my favorite praise and worship music even though I don't want to. I'll give praise and thanks to God because that is what He commands and I know, from past experience, this is what will heal my disheartened soul. Praising God chases away the enemy and will allow God to bless my spirit.

Some great Bible verses I am reading this morning for my encouragement (and maybe for yours right now):

Why am I so sad? Why am I so troubled? I will put my hope in God,and once again I will praise him,my savior and my God. – Psalm 43:5

Come to me, all of you who are tired from carrying heavy loads, and I will give you rest. – Matthew 11:28

I prayed to the Lord, and he answered me;he freed me from all my fears. The oppressed look to him and are glad; they will never be disappointed. – Psalm 34:4-5

But those who trust in the Lord for help will find their strength renewed. They will rise on wings like eagles;they will run and not get weary; they will walk and not grow weak. – Isaiah 40:31

Let your hope keep you joyful, be patient in your troubles, and pray at all times. – Romans 12:12

Playing The Waiting Game

Waiting is hard. I'm a pretty patient person, so I put the waiting at the back of my mind.

I have to wait for that dreaded radiation treatment. I hear it burns and makes you tired. I'm already tired enough. I don't need to be even more tired. The burning part doesn't sound very enticing, either.

I went to my follow up appointment with my surgeon and everything was okay except the test results on my thyroid had not come back, as expected. So, he wanted me back for another appointment in three weeks. The reason it's so long is to allow time for the results to return as well as the fact that he will be out of town for awhile.

In the meantime, I'm supposed to meet with the radiologist and oncologist. Both of those appointments were supposed to be this week, both appointments had to be moved up. And one of them is in three weeks.

I dread starting all this mess, but at the same time, I'd like to hurry up and get through it. So, I wait. In the meantime, I have some days of normal life and I'm enjoying it.

Today my husband and I took the dogs down to the beach and enjoyed the sunshine and the waves lapping up on the shore.

Yesterday I got to meet with some long distance family members and we had a great time while eating pizza. My brother's wife is from Ukraine and she has just arrived to the United States, along with her daughter. So, it was great to meet her face to face and see my brother again. He's from the Midwest.

Also, my youngest daughter and one of her friends ran a 5K in the Race Against Breast Cancer in Kansas. She ran three miles in thirty-seven minutes. Just for me. That's pretty awesome and I'm very blessed to have so many friends and family looking after me.

Tomorrow I get to go back to my Body & Soul exercise class and I'm excited about that! Now, that will be a normal day! Not being able to go has become a "not normal" in my life.

I've had dinner brought to my house, flowers, gifts and cards sent, and even personal phone calls. I'm just so blessed, so how in the world can I sit around and look at trouble when there is so much good to see.

I continue to try to keep my mind on the Lord and not on the dreaded things that wait ahead for me. If I start to think about these things, I'll get myself so worked up I won't be able to function. But, keeping focused on the Lord and what He does for me, what He has done for me, what He will do for me - those things keep me calm and at peace.

One of my friends told me earlier this week that I'm always so calm about everything. Well, not always. I have my moments. I've had a couple of Poor Pitiful Me cries. But, I have to catch myself. First of all, my particular circumstance is NOTHING compared to what others are going through. It allows me to have a little taste of a much horrible situation. And, secondly, because when I start to feel sorry for myself and allow myself to get depressed, I am taking my eyes off of the Lord and looking in the wrong direction.

The Bible says in Deuteronomy 33:12, "...Let the beloved of the LORD rest secure in him, for he shields him all day long, and the one the LORD loves rests between his shoulders." I am trying to learn, again, how to rest between the love and comfort of His shielding shoulders and just leave everything to Him.  I have three weeks of normal days and I'm going to enjoy them without being tired.

At Last! An Update!

I'm sorry I haven't been able to let you know how the surgery went. My right arm has been rather sore and sometimes swollen, so I thought I had better wait.

Lab results are in and they are good. All margins show no sign of cancer and the lymph nodes are also free of cancer, so it didn't spread anywhere. I'm praising God and His goodness for His healing, a wonderful medical team and great people in my life. God has given me comfort and assurance the whole way through. He is so good. My assurance has been so strong that when the news came, I really wasn't excited at all. It was more like, "I already knew that" type of thing. Everyone I'm telling is happy and excited and I'm just like, "I knew it". How sweet of God to be so comforting to me.

My thyroid tests were sent back for further examination and those results will be given to me at my follow up appointment. I'm sure whatever is going on with that little organ is manageable.

I am SO glad I went to get my mammogram. I usually do. But, this just tells you how important it is to keep current.

When I woke up in recovery, my youngest daughter was here. She had flown out from the Midwest and it was good to see her face. She was able to stay just a few days - the long weekend - and she was a tremendous help. She cooked our dinner and took good care of me. I was glad she was here for Larry's sake, as well, as he has been a bit overwhelmed. We didn't get to spend too much time together, as the weekend seemed to fly by, but we enjoyed being together.

Sunday, my grandson came over with his girlfriend and her little boy and we all had a nice Sunday dinner together. I had wanted to go to church, but didn't have the energy to do so. It was tiring to have everyone over, but it was nice that we could all be together.

My daughter went back home on Monday. I cried about five or six times after she left. I need so much to be able to live near my children. I need them. I miss them. It's just so hard at certain times in life. So, I let myself mourn that little bit of a loss and then called my brother so I could "get over it".

Each day I get a little better and a little stronger. It's amazing the daily changes I see in my body. I use an infrared light stim to help with the healing and bruising. I have very little bruising because of the light. I'm taking some things to help my body detox from all the chemicals that they put into my system. I'm using a rooibus tea with a few herbs and I'm drinking lemon throughout the day and also eating some yogurt every day for some probiotics. I'm also making simmering some bone broth, as we speak, to sip on for a good detox.

The other day, Larry and I went for a very short walk. I was very tired yesterday and didn't go walking. Today seemed a lot better, so I was able to walk for about fifteen minutes. I was hoping to go to my exercise class and just walk with them while they worked out, but didn't have the energy. So, I was glad when I got that walk in.

Friends have stopped by, which has really lifted my spirits, and I have loved having the company. Although I'm quiet, I'm a people person and being alone is very hard for me - even on a good day. I usually just find things to do to keep me busy if I find myself too lonely. So, I have appreciated the visits.

Yesterday I ventured out on my own and went to my Bible study. I may have over done it because I am feeling it today. But, it was so great to see all the friends I had not seen over the summer months.

In studying my Bible today, I was reading about how Christians are overcomers through Christ, not only in life here on earth, but also in our eternal future when we go to live in Heaven with God. I love the promises that God gives to us as overcomers. Please, please listen to my song today, if you don't normally listen to the one I share. It says so much about overcoming the stuff life brings us. Watch it all the way to the end and you will see one of the promises that is given to overcomers.

I just want to say thank you to all the love and support from everyone. You all have been a huge help.

My favorite Bible verse, I just wanted to share with you, is so appropriate for this time in my life:

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."   That's some pretty cool plans. :-)

Day Before Surgery & Ya Gotta Have Friends

First of all, I'd like to say, thanks for reading my blog. I have a lot more readers than anticipated.  I put up a link where you can subscribe so it will come to your email when I put up a new post. There's also an RSS feed button, if you use those. These can be found on the right side of the page above the Snoopy picture. Let me know if you have any problems. I've followed the directions, which were simple, but that doesn't mean I know what I'm doing. Hopefully, these will make it easier for you to find my new posts.

It's my day before surgery and I have moments of anxiousness. I'm keeping busy around the house and doing some things to get ready for the surgery. My daughter is coming from Kansas and I'm also getting things ready for her quick visit. I keep my mind on her arrival instead of The Day of the Unknown.

I've talked with several ladies who have gone through this before me and it sounds like it's not as bad as I am anticipating. Why do we do that to ourselves? Why do fear the unknown? I don't think the unknown has ever been as bad as I anticipated. So, I concentrate on what my friends have told me and keep that in front of me when I start to get anxious.

I need to remember to continue my dependence on the Lord during this adventure. That way, my perspective will be clear and focused on where I should be looking instead of looking at myself and ending up depressed. Focusing on ourselves never leads to happiness or contentment.

I've had a great week. I had a girls night out, which was totally fun. We all had a great time together and hated to part company. It really was good medicine for all of us.

I've had a few little gifts of love, some jokes, cartoons, funny posts. I've appreciated each and every one of them. I've had people that I don't know contact me just to let me know they are thinking of me and are keeping me in prayer. Cherished friends and family from far away are sending me messages of love and encouragement.

My exercise class prayed over me the other day and that was such a blessing. Those ladies are such a huge encouragement. I am blessed to be part of that group. We always have such great music that offer fortitude, inspiration and reassurance. (Click that "music" link to listen to one of my favorites.) If you haven't tried Body & Soul, I encourage you to do so, if you have a class in your area.

Ladies I haven't seen over the summer months have sent emails of encouragement and prayers.

You all have been a huge help and it is more blessed than I can express to know that I have such a great community of loving friends and family. Each one of you are dear to my heart. Thank you for the love, encouragement and prayer support. Here's a little friend video from me to you as a show of appreciation.

I look forward to tomorrow afternoon when my surgery is over, my daughter is here and I am home. It's Labor Day weekend and I hope to have a cook out with my family. What are your plans for Labor Day?

"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me...For when I am weak, then I am strong." I Corinthians 12:9 & 10